


The Sort of Naked and the Dead

by Rosencrantz



Category: A Touch of Cloth
Genre: F/F, Hate Sex, Misses Clause Challenge, Naughty language, Sexist Language, Snorkels, Yulechat Challenge 2013, as weird as canon, i'm sorry about the sexist language it's canon, misuse of corpses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 01:00:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/pseuds/Rosencrantz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes when you call someone a horrible old twat, what you really mean is 'throw me over that table and make me see God' but you also mean they're a horrible old twat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sort of Naked and the Dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Froggimus_Rex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Froggimus_Rex/gifts).



> _Clearly the sniping and insults between these two is just to cover how much they want to do each other. So, hatesex. If it's as ridiculous the the show lends itself to being that's a bonus._  
>   
> 
> I hope I succeeded, ma'am.
> 
> Thank you to Ann Larimer and VioletInBloom for the 'right now right now right now!' betas and no thanks to Ann for trying to get me to name this 'Mortuary Vixens.'

The mortuary was as cold as the corpses it held. Perhaps that was why the corpses were cold. Who could tell in this mixed-up world? But as cold as the mortuary was… it was also hot. Very hot.

Super hot. But in a metaphorical sense that was all about the feeling DC Anne Oldman got from looking at Dr. Natasha Sachet's arse.

"Bitch!" said Dr. Sachet.

"Slattern!" shot back Oldman.

"Cow!"

"Tramp!"

Anne Oldman's eyes stayed focused on Sachet's beautiful lips as they formed 'cheap trash' ...so perfectly that Oldman was wet instantly. Well, not literally instantly. That would be an indication of a potential medical problem. The point is, Oldman was aroused. Sexually.

Jack Cloth looked broodingly at the corpse. A snorkeling accident, the preliminary report said. The swimmer had accidentally swum into a bunch of knives. Eight times. 

Jack Cloth shook his head. "I've never seen anything like this. Five times, yes, even six. But EIGHT?"

Sachet was looking at Oldman. Oldman abruptly realized she'd forgotten to return the insult she'd barely heard as she blatantly checked out Sachet's incredibly kissable lips. Oldman didn't have insults in her. Just lust. Pure lust. And nausea, because the corpse stank of rot and seaweed. But mainly lust.

"We should discuss this later," said Oldman.

Sachet's eyes darkened.

Oldman's equally dark eyes looked back. She licked her lips.

"I loathe you," said Sachet.

"Because you're a nasty old bitch," said Oldman, leaning closer, reaching out to brush a lock of hair from out of Sachet's eyes.

Sachet turned her face to suck on Oldman's fingers, drawing it out. "Get fucked," she said as she pulled her head back.

Oldman yanked the front of Sachet's coat to toss her over the corpse and leapt up to straddle her. "Oh, I plan to!"

"I was examining that! Oh, fuck's sake, not **again** ," protested Jack. 

"You're out of your league!" yelled Sachet before kissing Oldman fiercely, sliding her tongue between Oldman's lips. Oldman rocked her hips, getting as much friction as she could.

The corpse made a rhythmic squishing sound.

"Oh, I'm right in my league and league means your fanny. To be clear," said Oldman.

"The stench of low tide, a hand up my jacksie, and your sleeve soaked to the skin, you know how to show a girl a good time," purred Sachet.

"You know what the boys down the station say about you?" said Oldman, nibbling Sachet's ear.

The door slammed open as Des and Asap came in with latest news.

"Guv? You need to get a better look at this," said Des. 

Jack nodded. "Yeah, Des. Save it for later." 

Des pulled out his camera and took a few snaps. "Got it, Guv."

"The knifings were no accident," said Asap, who couldn't see past Des. "We've got a murder on our hands!"

"Sorry, you harridan," moaned Oldman. "The job… oh God... calls."

She hopped off Sachet and walked out, tidying her hair. Anne Oldman was, after all, the consummate professional...

**Author's Note:**

> [Lights by Redheadstock](http://redheadstock.deviantart.com/)
> 
> Removed lines from the story:
> 
> __
> 
> Jack Cloth shook his head. "I've never seen anything like this. Five times, yes, even six. But EIGHT?"
> 
> "It is a bit fishy. Oh wait, that's me, sorry," said Oldman.
> 
> Jack sniffed the air. "No, that's not you. Oh, hello Sachet," he said, noticing the coroner who had been invisible to him in the great landscape of his brooding.
> 
> Since I'd have to credit Ann Larimer with co-writer if I used even more of her lines.


End file.
